Reflections and such....

Five years ago this past May my much loved Mother lost a battle with Multiple Myeloma (in layman's terms "bone cancer"). This form of cancer she had sucked the life from her in a way compariable to how an undercurrent sucks an innocent swimmer under water. Her symptoms started in January of 2005 and by April she was a patient on the Oncology/Palliative Care Unit at Oshawa General Hospital. The cancer ravished her body making simple tasks very hard and uncomfortable. In her case death was a mercy because it was an escape from a body that had become a prison. During this time I became very philosophical pondering things such as "how could our bodies which sustain us on a day to day basis turn against us so suddenly?" and "what is death?" and "what is the next life after this like?". I tried to find answers anywhere and everywhere. I turned to the bible (copies are easy to find on a palliative care ward and throughout hospitals in general), I read books by Sylvia Brown (I believe in certain peoples abilities to commute with those who have crossed over into the next life) and I talked about what was happening to anybody who would listen. I wanted answers, I wanted hope, I wanted to know how do you say good bye (or as I preferred to call it...until we met again) to someone who you could not see your life without? As you can imagine those are not easy questions to answer and most of the time there are no right or wrong answers.
The theory I developed in regards to an afterlife during this time was that this Earth was hell (I mean I can make an arguement for that just by turning on both the local and international news...wars, famine, rape, shootings,fraud etc...) and that we worked our way out of that hell and that when God had seen that we had done this he allowed us to cross over into the next life. Spirtuality and the growth and development of one's soul is like any other development it changes over time. I am not sure my belief than is what I believe now but at the time it carried me through and that is what matters.
This past weekend I was informed that my Nana (my Mom's Mom) suffered a stroke; the good news from this is that she suffered it in a public place so help was recieved MUCH earlier than had she suffered it at home. Also it was a minor stroke on the grand scale of things so the long term effects were not as awful as they could have been. These two factors make me very thankful. I lived with my Nana for almost a year when I was 19-20 during my first year of college; she lived pretty close to the college I was attending. Her house also was a much quiet and calmer alternative to living at home. It was just her and I during the week and on weekends I would return home to Whitby to work as a cashier at Blockbuster video. I loved that time of my life. During the day I would attend my lectures and classes and in the evenings I would watch television with her. We enjoyed watching Law and Order, Medium and Dateline together. (When my Mom became really sick and her diagnosis was not a good one part of my philosphical thought process made me realize that the year I spent living with her helped form a relationship that would help carry me through the loss of my Mother. I only hope I was of a tiny bit of assistance to her in her grief). The plan was for me to return and live with her for my second year of college but my Mom passed away and things changed. I started renting an apartment in Whitby; it was better this way as we each had the space we needed to grieve the loss of someone who meant so very much to both of us. I still called her at least once a week sometimes twice a week and we would talk for usually an hour. When I graduated and took a job in Scarbrough that required me to work every third weekend she once again opened up her home for me on those weekends to make my battle with public transit and my commute less. I looked forward to those weekends as they mirrored my first year of college- I would attend work during the day and come home have dinner with her, help with the clean up and than we would watch television together. After almost a year of working at that job I took another job with a long term care home in Pickering this meant less of a commute but sadly brought an end to my every third weekend visit to my Nana. That year in her Christmas card she wrote "I miss our weekend visits but I am glad your new job makes you happy" (I missed our visits too Nana). When I decided to "move" to Australia she cried when I called her to tell her I bought my ticket. I know she like my Father worried about me when I was gone. I could not wait to call her when I returned...we had so much catching up to do and we did.Even though I have thanks that the stroke could have been a lot worse it saddens me to know that chances are she will never be the same but my love for her will always be.....I love you Nana xo

Say What You Need to Say...

The ability to "tell it like it is" was not something I was born with; some people come into this World with the type of personality that allows them to be strong minded, opinionated and they do not take "crap" from anybody. For me this ability was something I had to learn. For those of you who knew me when I was a young child (particularly anyone from elementary school who may be reading this) you would remember me as a push over; someone who often did things they may not have liked to make others happy. As a child I was forever trying to keep the peace and please people.

Perhaps it was the divorce of my parents when I was ten or the death of my much beloved Mother a decade later that assisted me with "growing balls" (forgive the lewdness of that one). I believe it was a combination of a number of things with those two mixed in that forced me out of my shell and too stand up for myself. I believe you can only allow yourself to take so many knocks from people and life in general before you realize if you do not stand up for yourself and express your opinions you can and will get walked on and true happiness will forever elude you. I do not believe in being aggressive but will be assertive when necessary. I get no pleasure from starting arguments and therefore do not but will not back down when someone is pushing my buttons. In day to day life I have been assertive since I was (hmmmmmmm...) let's say twenty and moved out on my own for the first time. I quickly learned that sometimes you had to be assertive with utilities people especially when if you were not they would rip you off in a second. I also learned than when you go to the bank you must know what you want and not deveate from that as bankers have quotas and sales goals to met also. I was also taught that being assertive was sometimes required with your landlord otherwise you wait many months for windows to be repaired and nothing is fun about the tempature in your flat being the same as the temperature outside especially in the middle of winter.

It was about a year or so later when I realized the importance of being assertive in the workforce (especially when you work in the Activation department in long term care). I learned that on a day to day basis you must know what you wish to accomplish and not let co-workers (particularly those from the nursing department) distract you by throwing at you every resident who is causing them problems with the claim that "more programming" is the solution. I have no problem lending a hand in calming an aggitated elderly client but I am not an overpaid babysitter and will not be treated like one (thanks very much).

It was not until very recently in my life that I learned the importance of being assertive (NOT high maintaine or "b*tchy" but just assertive) in relationships with members of the opposite sex. I had the unfortunate experience of being taken for granted and advantage of by an ex with whom I dated for eight months before waking up and realizing what was happening. I was intoxicated with all the magical feelings of "love" (or lust) at the beginning and naturally at the beginning everything was perfect. However, soon his cell phone was "turned off" and he did not answer and he was only avaliable certain days etc.. (yeah like I said it took me awhile to figure it out) He would always blame these occurances on complications he was having in his personal life (mainly a court battle he was having with the Mother of his son) and I felt sorry for him..AT FIRST. At first when his games begain I was understanding as I wanted to be supportive (after all you are supposed to be supportive..right?...). I would feel anger boil up inside of me and have a million not so nice things prepared to say to him and than I would "chicken out" and pretend like everything was perfect. Finally, I reached my breaking point and having had enough dicovered my inner assertiveness and let it reign. It was probabily the most liberated I had felt the whole relationship the day I ended it with him and told myself "no more crap for you". This is the mantra I currently live by while I venture into the dating world. Hence it was only natural for me when I was stood up this evening by the "wonderful" guy I had gone on a date with last Saturday evening (described in the previous blog) for me to call and leave a message saying exactly what I thought. It hurts to be stood up but I do not suffer fools or their games easily so to him I say good riddance there will be better as I believe now I certaintly deserve it.

Maybe I will find my Prince Charming and maybe I will spend the rest of my life alone while that remains to be seen, the one thing I know for a fact; I will not be treated badly either way!