Reflections and such....

Five years ago this past May my much loved Mother lost a battle with Multiple Myeloma (in layman's terms "bone cancer"). This form of cancer she had sucked the life from her in a way compariable to how an undercurrent sucks an innocent swimmer under water. Her symptoms started in January of 2005 and by April she was a patient on the Oncology/Palliative Care Unit at Oshawa General Hospital. The cancer ravished her body making simple tasks very hard and uncomfortable. In her case death was a mercy because it was an escape from a body that had become a prison. During this time I became very philosophical pondering things such as "how could our bodies which sustain us on a day to day basis turn against us so suddenly?" and "what is death?" and "what is the next life after this like?". I tried to find answers anywhere and everywhere. I turned to the bible (copies are easy to find on a palliative care ward and throughout hospitals in general), I read books by Sylvia Brown (I believe in certain peoples abilities to commute with those who have crossed over into the next life) and I talked about what was happening to anybody who would listen. I wanted answers, I wanted hope, I wanted to know how do you say good bye (or as I preferred to call it...until we met again) to someone who you could not see your life without? As you can imagine those are not easy questions to answer and most of the time there are no right or wrong answers.
The theory I developed in regards to an afterlife during this time was that this Earth was hell (I mean I can make an arguement for that just by turning on both the local and international news...wars, famine, rape, shootings,fraud etc...) and that we worked our way out of that hell and that when God had seen that we had done this he allowed us to cross over into the next life. Spirtuality and the growth and development of one's soul is like any other development it changes over time. I am not sure my belief than is what I believe now but at the time it carried me through and that is what matters.
This past weekend I was informed that my Nana (my Mom's Mom) suffered a stroke; the good news from this is that she suffered it in a public place so help was recieved MUCH earlier than had she suffered it at home. Also it was a minor stroke on the grand scale of things so the long term effects were not as awful as they could have been. These two factors make me very thankful. I lived with my Nana for almost a year when I was 19-20 during my first year of college; she lived pretty close to the college I was attending. Her house also was a much quiet and calmer alternative to living at home. It was just her and I during the week and on weekends I would return home to Whitby to work as a cashier at Blockbuster video. I loved that time of my life. During the day I would attend my lectures and classes and in the evenings I would watch television with her. We enjoyed watching Law and Order, Medium and Dateline together. (When my Mom became really sick and her diagnosis was not a good one part of my philosphical thought process made me realize that the year I spent living with her helped form a relationship that would help carry me through the loss of my Mother. I only hope I was of a tiny bit of assistance to her in her grief). The plan was for me to return and live with her for my second year of college but my Mom passed away and things changed. I started renting an apartment in Whitby; it was better this way as we each had the space we needed to grieve the loss of someone who meant so very much to both of us. I still called her at least once a week sometimes twice a week and we would talk for usually an hour. When I graduated and took a job in Scarbrough that required me to work every third weekend she once again opened up her home for me on those weekends to make my battle with public transit and my commute less. I looked forward to those weekends as they mirrored my first year of college- I would attend work during the day and come home have dinner with her, help with the clean up and than we would watch television together. After almost a year of working at that job I took another job with a long term care home in Pickering this meant less of a commute but sadly brought an end to my every third weekend visit to my Nana. That year in her Christmas card she wrote "I miss our weekend visits but I am glad your new job makes you happy" (I missed our visits too Nana). When I decided to "move" to Australia she cried when I called her to tell her I bought my ticket. I know she like my Father worried about me when I was gone. I could not wait to call her when I returned...we had so much catching up to do and we did.Even though I have thanks that the stroke could have been a lot worse it saddens me to know that chances are she will never be the same but my love for her will always be.....I love you Nana xo

Say What You Need to Say...

The ability to "tell it like it is" was not something I was born with; some people come into this World with the type of personality that allows them to be strong minded, opinionated and they do not take "crap" from anybody. For me this ability was something I had to learn. For those of you who knew me when I was a young child (particularly anyone from elementary school who may be reading this) you would remember me as a push over; someone who often did things they may not have liked to make others happy. As a child I was forever trying to keep the peace and please people.

Perhaps it was the divorce of my parents when I was ten or the death of my much beloved Mother a decade later that assisted me with "growing balls" (forgive the lewdness of that one). I believe it was a combination of a number of things with those two mixed in that forced me out of my shell and too stand up for myself. I believe you can only allow yourself to take so many knocks from people and life in general before you realize if you do not stand up for yourself and express your opinions you can and will get walked on and true happiness will forever elude you. I do not believe in being aggressive but will be assertive when necessary. I get no pleasure from starting arguments and therefore do not but will not back down when someone is pushing my buttons. In day to day life I have been assertive since I was (hmmmmmmm...) let's say twenty and moved out on my own for the first time. I quickly learned that sometimes you had to be assertive with utilities people especially when if you were not they would rip you off in a second. I also learned than when you go to the bank you must know what you want and not deveate from that as bankers have quotas and sales goals to met also. I was also taught that being assertive was sometimes required with your landlord otherwise you wait many months for windows to be repaired and nothing is fun about the tempature in your flat being the same as the temperature outside especially in the middle of winter.

It was about a year or so later when I realized the importance of being assertive in the workforce (especially when you work in the Activation department in long term care). I learned that on a day to day basis you must know what you wish to accomplish and not let co-workers (particularly those from the nursing department) distract you by throwing at you every resident who is causing them problems with the claim that "more programming" is the solution. I have no problem lending a hand in calming an aggitated elderly client but I am not an overpaid babysitter and will not be treated like one (thanks very much).

It was not until very recently in my life that I learned the importance of being assertive (NOT high maintaine or "b*tchy" but just assertive) in relationships with members of the opposite sex. I had the unfortunate experience of being taken for granted and advantage of by an ex with whom I dated for eight months before waking up and realizing what was happening. I was intoxicated with all the magical feelings of "love" (or lust) at the beginning and naturally at the beginning everything was perfect. However, soon his cell phone was "turned off" and he did not answer and he was only avaliable certain days etc.. (yeah like I said it took me awhile to figure it out) He would always blame these occurances on complications he was having in his personal life (mainly a court battle he was having with the Mother of his son) and I felt sorry for him..AT FIRST. At first when his games begain I was understanding as I wanted to be supportive (after all you are supposed to be supportive..right?...). I would feel anger boil up inside of me and have a million not so nice things prepared to say to him and than I would "chicken out" and pretend like everything was perfect. Finally, I reached my breaking point and having had enough dicovered my inner assertiveness and let it reign. It was probabily the most liberated I had felt the whole relationship the day I ended it with him and told myself "no more crap for you". This is the mantra I currently live by while I venture into the dating world. Hence it was only natural for me when I was stood up this evening by the "wonderful" guy I had gone on a date with last Saturday evening (described in the previous blog) for me to call and leave a message saying exactly what I thought. It hurts to be stood up but I do not suffer fools or their games easily so to him I say good riddance there will be better as I believe now I certaintly deserve it.

Maybe I will find my Prince Charming and maybe I will spend the rest of my life alone while that remains to be seen, the one thing I know for a fact; I will not be treated badly either way!

"You are Much Prettier In Person" (also known as Date Number Five)

So last evening was Saturday evening (unless you are reading this from Australia and than it was Sunday morning...but for the sake of this post you will have to imagine it was Saturday night) and yours truly had a date. Yes, it was with another guy from the dating site I am using (if you were my sister you would insert eye roll here as she did yesterday afternoon when she came over and I told her about my than impending date).
SIDE NOTE: My sister believes the internet dating site I am using is not the best one she would like me to use another one. However, the one she wants me to use has a monthly user fee and call me cheap although I prefer frugal but I WILL NOT PAY TO INTERNET DATE. I believe finding a potential life mate of the opposite gender online for FREE is the way to go. This way when and if the date is bad I can always say "at least I did not pay anyone to find me this idiot" whereas if I used a site with a monthly user fee a bad date would make my the Scottish portion of the blood in my veins boil with rage.
We arranged to met at six o'clock and he planned to take me to a bar and lounge (in my mind things were already looking better than my last date ...Saw 3D people..than again pretty much anything so long as it did not involve serial killers ripping flesh of off kidnapped, drugged unsuspecting people would have been a good time..therefore you can imagine my elation at hearing bar and lounge). I should also mention at this point he has a very sexy accent...he was raised in Albania but spent six years in Greece before moving to Canada. On the phone his accent sounded French (and not the craptastic Quebecois accent; no like a genuine French accent from Paris). So even before we met for the date I liked him already as he plans to take me to a real date location and he has a sextacular accent. Therefore I primed and preened myself like a cat (I believe in good hygiene on a daily basis for the record). I liked him even more once I laid eyes on him and he was not hard to look at in my opinion. Instead of going to the bar and lounge we switched plans once he informed me that the bar and lounge he was taking me too was fine for drinks but his friend who used to work in the kitchen there told him some things and he does not eat their food anymore. *FREEZE....ummmmm...Caitlin needs food before booze* and she prefers food not from a kitchen of nightmares. I almost wanted to marry him when he offered to take me to a sushi place to grab a bit to eat before going for drinks...ARE YOU KIDDING ME..I love sushi and the more this guy opened his mouth the more I was liking him. The sushi was divine and our conversation was wonderful as well. After supper was done and the waitress gently encouraged us to leave as the line up of hungry eyed folk waiting for a table was growing out the door he offered to take me for a drink. I took him up on his offer and accross the street we went to a nice warm little pub which happened to be decorated for Christmas already. It was a very relaxed atmosphere full of people just happy to be with friends and family and that it was Saturday night. It was my kind of place and in this kind of place the conversation between us continued on. We talked about everything (although the other half of my blood is Irish so I have a gift for being able to have conversations on just about every topic or so I have been told..actually to0 quote one of my former high school teachers "that girl could talk the hind legs off of a donkey"...although I would like to state I do not believe in violating donkeys or any other animals by taking away their limbs). So the one drink he invited me for turned into two before we left the little pub and he drove me home. When he dropped me off he told me he would like to see me again and I agreed with no reluctance. So, here is hoping that this guy calls me again but more importantly if he does call me again that he is as nice as he seemed last night. I am determined there are nice decent men out there and I have no intentions of settling for being treated like crap (again).

Animal Love...(not the freaky kind some sickos engage in)

I have always believed that you can tell alot about a persons character by whether or not they like animals. I think animals are wonderful. I had my first experience with a pet (if you do not consider the gold fish who kept committing suicide by jumping from their bowl onto my bedroom floor..(yeah try explaining that to a four year old) and a failed rabbit attempt..soon after she arrived and started chewing up the carpet and telephone wires she was sent to a "farm") when I was ten and for Christmas our parents got us a minature sheltie as a huge surprise gift. Never in a million years did I ever think my Mom would allow a dog in her house. But in the house he came an adorable ball of soft fluffy fur full of energy and love. We named him Co-co and he was our baby for ten years. He saw us through the ups and downs of childhood and into our teenage days. The day he had to be euthanized was one of the saddest days of my life. I still remember standing around the veteraniary table with my Mom and Dad and through my tears seeing tears in their eyes. Since my Mother opened the door to Co-co and in my heart that special spot that only the love of a pet can fill many more adorable bundles of feather, fur and paws have come in and out of my life. I have also had Epithany (my blue and white budgie who did crazy things like lay eggs even though she was a single lady, sit on my shoulder and give my cheek "kisses" and mimic some sounds she heard), Skat (the rodent who I was not the biggest fan off but he justified his existance some what), Carly (oooooh the princess..there are not words to describe all that this beautiful graceful Golden Retriever was..she was a suck like an in your face whine until you pet me kind of suck, she was a flirt preferring men to women..like sit between you and any male companion on the couch kind of flirt so that he could only pay her attention..she was just so loveable), Dawson (the male Golden Retriever companion of Carly and an embodiment of dopey but so full of love), Casper (or as we called him the wolf...he was a white sheppard he was as rare as he was beautiful and fiercly protective of those he loved)....

At my Dad's there still exists Beau (a ginger colored male tabby who has more nights out on the town than yours truly and with a firey personality) and Kali (also known as Kali O'Malley and my Dad's feline princess...like he buys her favorite meat when he goes to the deli as much as he may deny it, it is the truth). Last but not least there is Paris (another stunning Golden Retriever who they are fostering for a breeder...Paris story is really a journey about a dog who is learning to be a dog after way to much time spent confind to a cage...she has to provide the breeder with one more litter and than she will be "fixed" and allowed the life she should have been since day one that of a pampered house pet)

The three that currently hold that place that only a pet can fill in my heart right now are of the feline variety; Safari, Storm and Snug. Only Snug is mine the other two are my nephews who are currently residing with me temporarily. I grew up with Safari he came into my life a couple of years before Co-co had to be euthanized in fact when we first got him he terrorized Co-co smacking him in the nose and swatting at his feet from under the bed. They eventually grew to love one another and Safari picked up some traits from Co-co (he will "knock" on a door when he wants in a closed off room, he will sit if you show him a treat my Mom used to call him a "catdog"). Storm or as he is often called Stormy or Worm came a few years after Safari and by that time Co-co was already in an eternal slumber. Storm is the only cat I know who eats for the pleasure of eating and not just as a survival instinct (and he is a he and not a SHE..) this puts him on a pudgy but very happy and friendly side of life. He is also capable of holding conversations and announces himself when he walks into a room or responds when you call his name. Snug is my rescue project a former coworker found him at the tender age of five to six months shivering in a rainstorm trying his darndest to get into a friend of their's apartment window. I will always remember the morning I got that call; originally I agreed to take him until they found his forever home. The first time I laid my eyes on him and he jumped (not even lying there) into my arms, snuggled into me and looked up at me with those sad little eyes I knew he had found his forever home with me. I named him the following morning after he spent all evening cuddled into me and trying to nestle himself in even closer to me.

Today I live with the three brats (ahhh cats) in a one bedroom apartment and despite all my joking about ending up an old cat lady; there is worse company to be in than that of my three furry comrades. Sure they can be annoying when they wake me up to feed them in the morning or when they use my bed as a wrestling mat in the early morning and yes I do not like them very much when I am cleaning their litter (aka digging for sh*t in a miniature sandbox)...I am beginning to really not like them where was I going with this?....oh right...yeah despite all their crap I love the little furry beasts...

As you can see as long as I am breathing there will be a place in my heart for those with feathers, fur, paws, beaks and scales (I also have a fish aquariam)...

Into the needy file you go!

As I mentioned in my previous blog I have been on dates with four different men and I was almost sure I was about to go on a date with a fifth. On the site I use there is a section called "users who want to meet you" and every now and than for ego boosts and sometimes chuckles I click on it. About a week ago when I clicked on it there was his profile and he caught my eye and when I read his profile I liked the way he sounded on paper (or in cyber space). He was in his early thirties had a decent job. So, I took a leap of faith and messaged him.....and the next time I opened my inbox there was a return message from him! Nothing grand just a "hi how are you?" to which I responded and the messaging continued from there. Soon we were talking on the phone and that is when I noticed the neediness. Soon after the phone conversations the text messages begain "do you miss me", "are you thinking about me", "I miss you". Ummmm, we have not even met yet. He obviously was also extremly sensitive because when I told him he was coming across as way to needy he became offended. I felt sorry for having offended him but on the bright side the annoying messages stopped!

Internet Dating...I know it has come to this!

Never in a million years did I think that I would resort to internet dating; I would just like to point out that it took me a while to come to this. There are reasons of course as there are always reasons. The first is my work hours are not really condusive to meeting new members of the opposite gender. I also have to work every second weekend (can you hear that it is the sound of my social life being flushed down the toilet). My place of employment does not allow me to met many members of the opposite gender (CORRECTION: many members of the opposite gender that are suitable as potential life partners). Although I enjoy the presence of my cats I am not really a fan of growing into an old cat lady.

So here we are and internet dating it is! It was very easy to set up a profile I just typed in my information, gathered some decent photos of myself, typed in what I was looking for in a potential mate and VOILA there I was floating around in the cyber space dating scene. In an ideal world the site would have matched me up with my soul mate and I would be floating on a cruise ship in the Mediterranean on the honeymoon of a lifetime right now. Alas life is much more humorous than that! I have been doing this now for about three months and I after weeding through the freaks, creeps, needies and just plain crazies I have been on dates with a grand total of four men:

The first guy was decent enough and we had a lovely sushi supper during which we had excellent conversation. In his profile he stated that he was looking for a woman who was "low maintaince" so considering we scheduled our date for a Wednesday evening I ran home from work threw on some comfy black trackpants, an equally comfortable but form fitting top and applied some make up. Maybe this was not what he had in mind because at the conclusion of our date he informed me he did not feel any spark with me. Hmmmmm perhaps if I had been wearing a skirt and heels a spark would have been felt. I think he might have meant "easy" when he said "low maintaince"

The second guy was a gentleman (I also took note of my last dating success and wore tight black pants, heeled boots and a nicer top) we had lunch and saw a film. We had great conversation and got along perfectly. When he dropped me off after the date I was starting to think he might be worth getting to know a little better. A week later we went for a second date for a sushi supper and again the conversation was going wonderfully..that was until he started hinting at sex...and than that is all he started talking about and hinting at. Once he dropped me off after that date the text messages started asking me when I wanted to come to his place to "watch a film" or "view his artwork". I think he got the hint after the 10th time I did not respond to them. Desperation is not sexy.

The third guy took me to a fabulous Italian resturaunt and we had great conversation; I was beginning once again to feel hopeful. He dropped me off after the date and told me he would love to see me again but he does not call women. Okay, so do you ESP message them?...how does one arrainge a date without calling? (oh I should also mention I do not chase men...for the first few dates I think they should call..maybe I am weird?). I always figure if I am worth it you will call.

The fourth guy was the WORST date I have ever been on. I was originally attracted to him because of his sarcasm. I was even willing to ignore the fact when I was chatting with him on the phone he gave me a huge "I am really into men but have not come out of the closet yet" vibe. So, he took me to see a film (Saw 3D...yeah that is right..no typio there). The big surprise came when we got to the counter to pay and he held out his hand and said after you (what a gentleman; ladies first!). Okay, so I am not a gold digger and I have no problem holding my own when it comes to paying for things BUT if you invite me out to see a film you have choosen..open up your wallet and let the sun shine in. Needless to say COMPLETELY TURNED OFF! it all went downhill from there. What little tolerance I had for him went to zero when he leaned in to tell me that the actress in the film looked good on all fours...real classy! That ended in a "never call me".

These experiences have not discouraged me in fact they have made me realize dating requires a great sense of humor. So bring on the laughs and maybe they will carry with them Mr. Right

I've Only Just Started...

You must admit freedom of the media has it's good and bad side; bad side we are continually flooded with news over the recent engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton. I think it is fantastic they wish to marry but really? can we use the media for more important information. The good side of freedom of media is that people like me with absolutly no journalism training and at times appaling spelling, typing and grammer can become published authors.

So why have a blog?....

For many reasons really;

I enjoy writing in a diary I keep and looking back on enteries and seeing where my mind was at certain points in my life.

I also think it is important to leave something behind and what is more permanent than the written word.

As well I enjoy reading other blogs that friends and facemates (the term I give to facebook colleagues) have written .

Although, I am not putting all my faith in technology and will continue to keep a diary of the pen to paper form.

*please note: most names will be changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent parties.